They’re trying to resurrect Cortana, bless their hearts. It’s like dusting off a Tamagotchi and expecting it to compete with a Playstation 5. They’re leveraging language models, which is fancy talk for “making it sound smart,” but let’s be real, Cortana was always about as useful as a screen door on a submarine. Yusuf Mehdi, Microsoft’s Consumer Chief Marketing Officer, is talking about “natural input” and “contextual guidance”—sounds great on paper, but I’m expecting it to mostly suggest I buy more printer ink.

The big news? “Hey, Copilot.” Because “Hey, Microsoft” was just too subtle, I guess. Now you can summon this digital overlord with your voice. It’s like living in a sci-fi movie where the AI is just really bad at scheduling meetings. You can also use the Copilot key or Windows + C—because apparently, yelling at your computer isn’t awkward enough. And if you want it to go away, you just say “goodbye.”—like you’re breaking up with a particularly clingy ex.

Look, Macs and smartphones have been doing this voice assistant thing for years. Microsoft’s hoping Copilot will be different than Cortana; it’s a bold strategy, Cotton, let’s see if it pays off. It’s like trying to sell Betamax in 2024—a valiant effort, but ultimately futile. They’re banking on a fresh coat of AI paint to hide the fact that they’ve been stumbling around in this space for over a decade. I’m not holding my breath; I’m just bracing for the inevitable awkwardness.